Ways That Women Help Women In Tango

“Strong women help other women.” - Brigitta Winkler

With Brigitta Winkler, who sets an inspiring standard for me as a strong, powerful, loving woman in tango

When I started learning Tango I was shy and really scared of everyone. And I didn’t think it was safe to talk with women about my relationships or feelings about men. I felt like I was competing with every other woman for a scarce resource - men.

Where I started learning to Tango, women danced only with men. Women followed, men led. Since I love dancing with men, and since I love following, I was happy and didn’t feel like I was missing anything.  

If I had had more real, true, mutually caring bonds with fellow Tango women earlier I probably would have been safer overall in my early vulnerable years, and made some better decisions. As a community builder today, I want to contribute to a culture that supports safe, strong, creative women and powerful sisterhood.

How my experience of tango sisterhood emerged

Slowly, through socializing and lots of creative projects with other women in the community,  I started to discover how much loving, caring attunement, hilarity and fun there can be in women's friendships. How worthy of trust these women were.

It was probably eight years of obsessive Tangoing before I ever danced with a woman. I remember hours of laughter, perplexity and joy with my first girl practice partner as we both helped each other learn to lead.

I sincerely hope that women in Tango find and support each other, commit to care for each other and to developing and strengthening the deep strong bonds that are the bedrock of connection, on and off the dance floor.

Here are some very supporting forms of women-to-women love we can extend to our tango sisters

• Plan something together

Planning a little outing is a very wonderful way to begin to explore friendship and share great conversation! There are so many adorable cupcake spots, ice creameries, or happy-hours - all it takes is an idea and an invitation.  

• Give a little gift

I used to freak out a little every time I'd go to a festival. Mostly it was because I was scared of what would happen with the boys. Once I decided to just focus on the women at the festival, and I actually brought little tiny gifts for each of the women I like who I knew would be there. I had a great time ! 

• Open up, share and listen

Sharing has to start somewhere. If you want to create a trusting space, you can invite that by sharing about your own personal struggles - and triumphs - in the Tango world. Ask them how their Tango is going. It's very important to be sure your friends know when you want them to "keep it under your hat" - as one of my girlfriends says. 

• Be there when times are tough

Just having those 1 or 2 or 3 or more friends who you can reach out to - call or text or chat - when things feel really hard...this is an immense gift. Treasure these friends, and be there for them when they need you too, being able to contribute to their lives is part of the gift. 

• Help your girlfriends find the tandas they seek

This is how we become sisters in crime...by knowing who our Tango sisters looove to dance with and with exquisite subtlety helping those dances to happen. Exquisite. Subtlety. 

• Practice together, dance together, perform together

It might go without saying but an awesome way to explore/deepen/cement/extend women friendships is through DANCING ! 

• Commit to non-disposable friendships

Change is always happening, and Tango cycles of popularity are constantly cycling around. For me what feels great is to commit to non-disposable friendships. Friendships you keep investing positive energy and thought and time into, that you intend to cultivate and nourish through both of your lives. How many friendships do you have room for ?

Thought of the day

Tango, Sunlight, and American Culture! And 3 myths about late-night Tango

Photo by Patricia Bijvoet

I have danced many beautiful hours of Tango between midnight and 3am.

Actually, the local who gave me the address of La Viruta, where I went for my first-ever Tango experience in Buenos Aires, said conspiratorially as he passed the slip of paper, “Don’t go before midnight.”

On my second visit, and my third visit, I remember weeks of getting dressed at midnight, showing up to the evening’s first milonga at 1am, and then walking with everyone to the next milonga around 3:30am. It was a very special and unusual kind of experience!

Hm, but, I also remember freezing on my way home, and getting so sick that the rest of my trip was spent in bed. I remember a few creepy characters from those late nights at Tango. I remember being robbed.

I also remember the charming Estudio Dinzel, where there was daytime practice from 10am til 10pm. I think I felt the most connected there. There was a courtyard, a little garden, where people would sit and chat between bouts of dancing. One time a couple of dancers went out and bought a big jar of dulce de leche and warmed up some crepes, we all snacked and passed mate. I learned so much in those long, light, sensual days.

The Tango movement is taking flight in the U.S. and it will be interesting to see how its power becomes fully integrated into American culture - American culture with its daytime work ethic and bright early mornings. It would be natural if the early-evening and daytime dancing that are part of the Tango scene in Argentina become a bigger anchor of Tango socializing here in the States.

Dancing in daylight is beautiful and natural and relaxed and sexy. And as we as a culture transition to a healthier and more sustainable way of integrating Argentine Tango into our lives, we can be aware of the voices inside our heads that are holding on to a paradigm that may not fit our lives:

Tango dancers, do you find yourself believing any of these myths about late-night dancing?

Myth #1: “Being at milongas late at night is the only way to achieve coolness, status and influence.”

I guess I used to think this because of how mysterious and impenetrable the late-night milonga scene was to me. Over time it's just become like any other party scene, though. 

What I've learned is that in Tango, status is accrued over time, through sustained and committed practice, study and exploration; through caring devotion to the people in the community; through an unflagging impulse to connect and stay connected on many levels. All of this can be and has been achieved without being a night-owl.

Myth #2: “The good dancers are the ones who stay up all night."

Hmmmm. Sounds a bit black and white to me. Let's examine.  

Sometimes the most dedicated and experienced dancers do stay or arrive late - like, to La Viruta - because it can be more fun when the floor clears out a bit. But dancers who love Tango are generally pretty free and excited to dance, well, ALL the time, and that includes during the daytime, too.

Actually, probably they are practicing at home right NOW, and if they found out there was a rockin' milonga going on, they'd probably pick up and go out to it.  

I’ve definitely noticed that highly experienced and delightful dancers, whose dance is enchanting and has deepened over years of committed growth (combined with a set of stable life-practices that promote balance and creativity), also often really love to get a full night of sleep. 

Myth #3: "Dancing til 4 or 5am is the only way to be ‘authentically Argentine.’”

That’s not true. People dance at all hours of the day in Argentina.

Now, is there something romantic and mysterious about dancing deep into the night? Yeah! Is there something gorgeous about being awake when most other people aren’t, participating in something inexpressibly beautiful and enchanted? Totally! Does it need to be something you kill yourself to do several times a week to keep up and be part of things? I don’t think so.

There are some wonderful fun late-night events in Tango! Lovely to do them occasionally and really let it rip. But there’s no need to go around sleep deprived, drowsy as you speed alone down highways at 5am. No need to exhaust ourselves, get sick, get grumpy, end up doing worse quality work and stressing our relationships. Instead, we can find (or create!) beautiful daytime alternatives for weaving amazing tango experiences into our lives. (Ladies, check out Ariana Huffington’s wonderful Sleep Challenge, a worthy, transformative, and deeply sane idea!)

Let’s all be creative and unafraid, and seek to discover a truly healthy and even authentically American way of enjoying the gorgeousness of social Tango dancing that includes enough sleep, and more sunshine.  Dancers, let's demand/create/support/organize awesome daytime events! And let's all embrace the many different lifestyles that want to participate passionately in Tango, including those who sleep at night. 

A priceless community: Four great things about donation-based Tango

Wow, what a mix of reactions when we announced that our monthly pass would be donation-based. Some of our members felt inspired and enthusiastic, and many felt confused and concerned. 

It is too early to tell if this experiment is going to be a permanent feature of Oxygen Tango, because we need more months to see how it affects the community's numbers. 

In the meantime, four things stand out to me as wonderful facets of the donation-based model:

1. Flexible prices foster the diversity that fuels inspiring Tango

A “pay what you choose” approach welcomes the grand diversity of people from all life-stages, socioeconomic levels, backgrounds, and levels of Tango experience that creates a rich and vibrant community learning experience.

It embraces all the people who can benefit from and contribute to a joyful community: from grad students to retired people; artists, engineers, and entrepreneurs; doctors and healers; people with all kinds of backgrounds and capacities; people in transition or stability; people who may be your next surprise best friend, mentor, life-partner, Tango travel companion. 

2. The freedom to choose what you want to give supports everyone's individual autonomy

When prices, and rules relating to those prices, are set by the organization, people sometimes feel anxious, protective, defensive. A pay-what-you-choose model reinforces your own strength, power, freedom, and ability to set your own meaningful boundaries and be generous within them - all very essential Tango principles!

We love that a donation-based community expresses the truth that YOUR being and presence is what creates this place; give what you wish, and make it what you want.

3. Community is sacred and priceless; fixed prices don’t fit with its nature

When you join Oxygen, you are joining a whole network of new and potential relationships. Friends, peers, people who inspire and enrich your life - AND, and opportunity to turn around an enrich theirs. In community giving is receiving.

The priceless experience you can enjoy here is sustained by the enthusiastic, persistent giving of countless invaluable unseen gifts and donations. Experienced dancers who help beginning dancers. Volunteers who create amazing events, help you find what you're looking for, make information flow smoother and easier, donate home-baked cookies and bottles of wine. Anonymous donors who offer guidance, financial and physical resources.   

Instead of “charging” a fixed price for access to this - which feels weirdly antithetical to its nature - we are seeking to create a culture where those who benefit and have been enriched are inspired to give what they can to enable the experience to survive and thrive.

4. We want everyone to passionately pursue their unique interests and still be able to afford a Tango home base

Tango can get expensive! Not only do instruction and social dancing events cost money, but there is also the cost of shoes and attire as well as more hidden costs like transportation, travel, meals with Tango friends.

And when you really are inspired you’ll want to take advantage of all the learning resources all around you - private lessons, courses and challenges, festivals and marathons, guest teachers, and all that jazz.

When you passionately pursue your own interests, this fuels the whole Tango ecosystem! We WANT you to have enough dollars to take that next step: training with any of us here at Oxygen or with the other wonderful teachers who live in or visit LA or at the awesome events all over the region and country!

And we think you should be able to afford doing ALL of that while still having a friendly and familiar Tango home with great music and loving supportive faces where you can come practice what you're working on and maybe even enjoy paying it forward a bit too. If we decide to believe we can have it all, maybe we can create a future in which that’s possible. 

So those are the four things I love about donation-based Tango so far! 

I would welcome your comments below or direct to me, about what stands out to you about the donation-based model we are now offering at Oxygen Tango. 

Questions to power the grand beautiful experiment of community

Today as I make my first keystrokes in this new year, I am envisioning a world of gentle thoughts and a deeper curiosity. 

Here are the questions that keep returning to my mind, as I participate with all of my heart in this grand beautiful experiment of community: How much more honesty can we find in our interactions with each other? How many fewer assumptions can we make about other people? How many confusing situations can we engage directly and learn from...instead of avoiding? How much more curious about each other can we become?

I know how tempting it is to talk about people instead of to them, to complain and assume instead of digging deeper to understand. But in the weeks of this past month I have also discovered again and even more vividly this time how many gifts we gain when we look directly into each other's eyes to find, again and again, the connection that is always there. 

I wish for each and all of us a year of the kind of growth that emerges from fearless honesty. Love, Mitra